Mixed Emotions

My son Matthew climbed the sheer rock wall ahead of me to the 20 or so foot cliff overlooking a pool of swirling deep black water. It was a beautiful sunny day in the North Carolina mountains and by the time I reached the top Matthew was ready to jump. As I looked down into the blackness and saw the dozens of people spread out on the nearby rocks cheering, "Go for it- You can do it!" I was wondering to myself ,"What the hell am I doing up here?" In the mean time, although I could tell he was a little hesitant, Matthew did it- He jumped! I was proud beyond comprehension- overjoyed even- at my son's courage- but at the same time ashamed of my own cowardice- I froze- I could not do it- I was terrified- so I took the climb of shame right back down the rope along the rock wall the way I had come. Matthew's strength expressed and my weakness exposed all in a matter of moments. There was celebration and shame all at once. I am 50 years old and in all my life I have been to less than 10 funerals- 3 of them will be this week. I suspect there will be more to come. Of course I know people have been dying all along, but right now- at this point in time- Death seems more real to me. It's like God is reminding me of what is really at stake in all this and calling me to take an even stronger grip on the Life He offers. Hebrews 2:14-15 Since we are flesh and blood, Jesus shared in our humanity, so that by His death He might destroy him who holds the power of death- that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death." 1Corinthians 15:54-57 "Death has beeen swallowed up in victory. Where o' death is your victory? Where o' death is your sting?....... Thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Set free from slavery to the fear of death. Jesus, my Jesus, has conquered death. He has put asunder the plans of my enemy- the Evil One- the one who would see me suffer out of his hatred for the God who created even him. Love- the Love of God has come through- He is risen- the grave could not hold the King- He is risen and has infused His Life- the very Life of God into my lifeless heart. It is such a message of Hope- a message to live for. As Peter declared, "You alone O' Lord have the words of Eternal Life". These things are the reality and yet still there is such deep sadness over our lost loved ones. There is mourning and celebration all at once. I suppose that is the way life is- bitter-sweet. I mourn so for me- for the family and friends of the ones left behind- It is a deep and real mourning for self- for separation from the ones I love. I think I might do better to focus on the one who has gone on to be with the Lord- the one who has been ushered into the very presence of God and is experiencing what I can only get a glimpse of here on this earth. It's alot like that day on a high cliff in the North Carolina Mountains- I will remember my son- his courage- his joy- his beaming face as he looked at me from the swirling black water below- I will remember Matthew and do my best to forget me- that is where my own joy will come. Father in Heaven, Lord Jesus, Friend Jesus, Holy Spirit- Move in me today and in all those who have seen their loved ones go from this life on to be with You- move in us all to remember- to revel in the knowlege that these we have lost for a time are with You now- Living the life we all long for so deeply in our own hearts. Amen